This past week I took some time off of this site not only because I felt like I had nothing to say that hasn’t already been said, the job still sucks, and the personal life is still nonexistent, but also because I finally got back into my crafting.

Making a wallet for the first time in forever made me get to looking into some ideas for adding details to what I wanted to make a bag into. So I started on another bag and with only on side left to finish and the pieces needed to connect it all I ran out of two of the four colors I am using. Ugh. Here I said I was done buying tape for a while until I found another job or income of some kind so I’m not wasting money on random things that are seemingly going nowhere fast. Now I am stuck with all but about a foot of space covered on this bag and next to no prospects on the horizon.

Going to the beach this weekend with the family and my best friend and all I wanted to do was finish Carry On by Rainbow Rowell (done and loved everything about it), finish catching up on shows I should be done with at this point in their respective series (almost done only if the DVR would record things in a more suitable order), have a possibility of a job lined up for when I come back from vacation (still haven’t heard back).

If books and shows are my biggest priority in life then what in to the world is wrong with me. Can’t focus on any one of the things I need to do for more than ten minutes before I go to another thing (said before, yes I know).

So here’s hoping that all can be settles before Friday when I work in the morning and help mom and my best friend pack in the afternoon.

Most days wanting to crawl in a hole and never come out. Going to bed and praying to go to sleep fast and not wake up til I’m in a new life is my daily life. Insomnia plagues me so much that I am constantly tired during normal waking hours. Today I read an article off of Pinterest called: 15 Signs That You’re an Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety by Jenn Granneman and it spoke to me. All fifteen things ring true in daily life.

1. You’re always prepared.

Normal people do things last minute or take only one of something because they believe that their optimism is all they need to succeed. They won’t be late or lose said one thing. That is never true in my world. Always the one who packs everything two weeks in advance and with extras because you never know if something will go amiss or someone with you will forget that one thing. Always considered the reliable one among my friends who get it and the overly dramatic one in the family.

2. You may be freaking out on the inside, but you’re stoic on the outside.

I was talking to the local barista today at Starbucks about my job woes and I told her that I have serious anxiety issues and that the new manager at work not trusting me makes it worse and that it makes me not be a people person. She said that I pull it off well because she would have never known all the times we have talked when I used to come in there more often.

3. You see the world in a fundamentally different way.

The other day when I was coming home in an unfamiliar way and I made an error driving and the fact that I still have not forgiven myself and I still hear that guy’s horn in my ears is where this was struck a chord. Though it was a one time thing my heart still still hits about 100bpm when I’m in the car just driving straight down the main road I have been driving since I learned how to drive the whole way to work.

4. You constantly feel the need to be doing something.

At work I always have to be cleaning or making kids menus to keep myself in check. At home I am either organizing and reorganizing my room or watching Netflix or reading my book or playing on my phone and listening to music. All of the above tend to happen in a repetitive circle of never ending craziness. I can’t just sit still for more than two minutes doing one before I have to go do another.

5. You’re outwardly successful.

This one was a tough one for me because I have never felt successful. Sure I am uber prepared and my on time is ten minutes early to anything but that’s where I feel I am stuck. Super organized (almost to a fault) and detail-oriented but I wouldn’t say successful. Hopefully this blog will eventually but then again I am alone in front of a computer.

6. You’re afraid of disappointing others.

Always have been, probably always will be. The proverbial ‘yes-man.’ The one who can’t just tell their boss ‘no I can’t pick up that shift today, sorry.’ Didn’t need to come into work yesterday or today but did anyway because that’s my life. That and the hours I have had lately have sucked so I guess it was worth it.

7. You chatter nervously.

My friend and I NEVER SHUT UP even when we are trying to watch a movie or a show because we are all nervous chatter boxes who just feel the need to talk. At work I am constantly complaining about things to my coworkers because they understand what I have to complain about even though they have no idea why I am talking about so much and most of the time so fast.

8. You’ve built your life around avoidance.

Still living at home with the parental units, what does that tell you. I keep thing simple and familiar. I have had the same best friend for going on 20 years now. Like I said previously too, I don’t like driving places really at all but mostly places I am not sure how to get there. If I could walk everywhere that would be everything.

9. You’re prone to rumination and overthinking.

Every second of every day runs a internal discuss with myself on how I am always making mistakes in everything I do and that I will never amount to anything ever. At work I am always fearful it will be my last day because I will do something that gets me in trouble and I will never bounce back. The interview the other day went horribly in my head and I probably won’t get the job.

10. You’re a perfectionist.

Definitely not in my personal appearance (my mother hates that) but in the little things I do every day. Every day at work that I don’t get certain things done on my side work list I beat myself up more than that manager ever could.

11. You have aches, repetitive habits, or tics.

Feels like constant pains all over all the time. Actually I think the itching or slapping my thighs has become a thing if I really think about it. Also I have a tendency, not too often but still, to repeatedly tap my palms to my forehead or temples when something comes to mind that brings me back to a moment I just want to forget seemingly to push it out of my head in that moment.

12. You’re tired all the time.

Speaks for itself really. Too tired even now to think about much more to say here.

13. You startle easily.

Hear or see a police car and my blood pressure increases ten fold for no particular reason. The AC kicks on and I jump. The other day my dog just left the room and her license jingling startled me.

14. You get irritated and stressed easily.

Another no brainer. Living with a constantly tiny stress bubble in the back of your mind makes even the small stuff increase into something more. My dad always says ‘don’t sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff.’ Him nor my mom understand that the small stuff is what’s makes it all feel like big stuff.

15. You can’t “just stop it.”

Constantly telling my parents that they don’t get it doesn’t seem to work so how can them telling me to ‘just stop it’ and ‘get over it’ and ‘its small stuff, it no big deal’ help anyone?

Another symptom of diagnosed and therefore untreated depression. Constantly exhausted wanting to go back to bed but laying down and staring at the ceiling for hours when you finally do go back to bed.

Gonna keep this one short and not so sweet since it is just one of those days. Just wanted to get a blog post out there so another day doesn’t go by without one. This seems to be what is working these days. At least for now.

There are so many signs and symptoms I keep reading on depression and anxiety on Pinterest and Facebook. A lot of them are just synonyms for the same things over and over again. Tired, withdrawn, low self-esteem…blah blah blah. You don’t think that those are just a few of the things that people with anxiety worry about on top of the fact that others notice those specific symptoms.

Yes mother I know I am always doing nothing! It’s just that it takes everything out of me to go out and do thing like looking for another job for which I have to put myself out there online, and the have to drive to an interview in which I feel lucky if it is just with one person. Next I have to wait by the phone constantly until the person calls me back if they ever call me back. Just another thing for my brain to constantly tell me what I did wrong in the interview that gives them a million reasons not to call me back, or the ever popular call back (or email) of ‘thanks but no thanks.’

Yes I am still waiting to hear back from the interview yesterday since I was the first person they called in for an interview, and yes it was with two people, and they said they would get back to me within the next two weeks.

This waiting might just be the end of me.

Driving has never been on of my strong suits. In fact I didn’t even get my license until I was 24 years old. Oh well. Truthfully didn’t really need it because at college I went to most of the places around town I could walk to and the job I had after college was only in the afternoon as my dad took me on his lunch and mom or a friend picked me up afterwards. When I finally went and did it it took me a few tries but its all said and done now so moving on right, right.

Every new place traveled to I use Google maps at least to get there. If you can’t turn back the way you came when leaving id the problem I have faced most.

Today coming back from a job interview (which I think went well but then again they said that I was their first interview and they ‘were just starting the process) I wasn’t able to turn out of there the direction I came from because of course construction work had begun on that street and around the corner down the direction I needed to go.

WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA! Our state flower: the orange cone. Our state motto: If its broke don’t fix it. Just stand around with a bunch of trucks and cones and block the main roads for a few months before the snow starts flying again and you can’t get anything done anyway.

So back to driving back home from the interview place. Finally at some point I found a street I recognized and was able to drive more comfortably til I found a another place I recognized to turn onto. Granted this turn was the street I knew I would find the lane closures and stuff again but such is life. So some guy flew up on my right, the lane I knew I needed to turn onto, and was in my blind spot when I was merging. He laid on his horn for another mile! Yes I know I cut him off technically but I did have my turn signal on and no once again I DID NOT SEE HIM. So obviously with traffic and being in the right lane which I knew closed eventually I was stuck between his horn and a million (exaggerating…kinda) big rigs. By the time I got to the last place anyone could merge into the other lane I was stuck with no one letting me in. The guy behind me eventually laid on his horn again and made his way over, whatever, and then someone was nice enough to let me in two cars later.

My heart was pounding the entire rest of the ride home. Can’t get that drive out of my head now. It will come back to haunt my anxiety forever when it just feels like it.

Did I mention I hate driving?

Yesterday, technically most of today, was spent off of Facebook, Twitter, and Pintrest. My trinity of sites I spend most of my days combing through getting nothing done. Mom wanted to run some errands so I took that as an opportunity to get away from the computer. My phone is on me almost at all times but I didn’t even bother taking it out to check any apps that would make me think twice about this social media free day.

After 11pm the night before last was when it all started. Just saying screw it since I never am actually social on them anyway. Having only three games played on a regular on Facebook and not on Twitter all that often these day they weren’t much to give up I guess. Not sifting through Pintrest and pinning things about my Duct Tape crafts and anxiety was the worst part I think.

So sure I just got back into the Facebook games and they had all reset to day one rewards but such is life. Sometimes one needs to reset their priorities and just unwind with a game that has nothing to do with anyone else. You don’t even need to talk to your friends and neighbors in the game if you don’t want to. The Sims 3! I found a fascinating video on how to make a garage attached to a house with a foundation, which my parents house (the house I have sequestered myself in since yesterday at said time) is built like. So building this house down to the details was my goal and around noon today I finished.

Now I have been building my Sim’s (a skinnier, more charismatic version of me) skills since its the closest I will ever seemingly get to building onto my own skill sets.

Also yesterday involved a lot of reading the book that I will seriously finish before the beach even if it kills me. Today was light on the reading because I was really into my Sim. Got about 30 pages in just yesterday alone though so it makes up for it because I figured out that I needed to read about 14ish pages each day from the three week mark to be finished before we leave that day.

So my Sim may have gone a little loopy staying in her house all day just reading skills books and working on her novels she writes but I enjoyed the solitude today. At least yesterday mom and I didn’t kill each other over something silly as per usual.

Have an interview tomorrow for a job back in teaching. Not sure if its what I want but right now what I need to is get back into a routine as I don’t go mad and my mom and I don’t get at each other’s throats on her days off.