Today at work one of my coworkers asked me and two others the five things they would want to have dropped out of the sky to them if one was stuck on a desert island. The one said the first thing would be her sister to keep her company. The one other said a boat to be able to get off the island. There was talk of water filtration of some kind and either food in general or something to help obtain food in some capacity. Personally all I said was that I needed an unlimited supply of Duct Tape and rope. Sure I make wallets and purses as a hobby hoping one day to make it into a business but one can make anything with Duct Tape. I said that I could create a hammock or a throw to sleep on. You can build a tarp of sorts for shelter as well. The bartender agreed that Duct Tape is useful no matter what and that was a smart idea. Truth be told I stopped creating several days ago because of disheartening financial snafu that was quickly resolved but made me leery to try and put my information out there on the internet to possibly get hacked and subsequently stolen. I wish that I had more of back bone. A stable thought process. A way to get my stuff out there to sell without running the risk of ruining everything that I have. Already it feels like I have wasted so much time and money for something that may never work out for.me. Again my hopes and dreams are crushed but my own self doubt and the fact that everything I say and do seems to fall on deft ears wherever I go and who ever is around to listen. My parents don’t understand what I’m doing with my life. My two best friends never have time to be around long enough to talk let alone push me to what I can accomplish. A Facebook message telling me that I am smart and I will get through this and figure things out isn’t that same. So I guess Duct Tape doesn’t solve everything. Think I’ll stick with my bumper stick, ‘Silence id GOLDEN, Duct Tape is SILVER.’

Sitting here looking at this big bag of craft materials I wonder if its worth it to continue. Afraid to have it all blow up in my face not only financially but mentally can my brain stay focused long enough for this to actually all work out. I don’t usually think that way. Thinking things will all work out is the last thing I think when things finally fall into place in front of my eyes. That test in college I thought I bombed as I look at the B written on my paper. My first wallet I made out of Duct Tape that didn’t look like it was put together by a kid let alone me thinking a kid could do a better job than this. The high levels of anxiety and self doubt and loathing that live in my brain make me feel like a constant failure. Me trying to see if this whole website thing works out with the eventual possibility that I will be able to sell my items has been a very, very, very long road. This September I will be turning 30 years old and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Being in teaching for the last five years has only taught me that I don’t think I want to be a teacher anymore. Day care centers burned me to the point that I even told my fifth grade teacher, the first person I ever told that wanted to be a teacher, that I feel like I’m broken and I don’t know how I am going to pick up the pieces. Still living with my parents who I love most of the time mostly for letting me still stay here rent free has been one way I’m coping with life financially at the moment. Personally is a completely differnent  can of worms. Still living in one’s childhood bedroom is not what one wants to be doing by the age of thirty. You want to be grounded as an adult with a career and a family or at least a social life that doesn’t revolve around your parents and dog. Having two best friends you never see can put a pause on your social life. Especially when your anxiety and depression are too high for you to even leave the house on days when you don’t have to go to work. Work is another story. Working as a Hostess at a restaurant can be boring. Sure it’s ‘social’ but it’s all absolutely completely 100% fake. I am friendly with my coworkers for the most part but at home I call them coworkers and not friends. The people that come in I pretty much just go through scripted motions with such fake emotions that it is painful most every day. When I come home from smiling so much that my face feels numb and my feet hurt so much that taking my shoes off hurts more than leaving my work shoes on sometimes I like to sit at the kitchen table and decide what colors work together to make wallets and purses for myself right now but hopefully soon for others. I have another blog on Blogger that doesn’t get much if any traffic but I hope someone will see me here so I have just a little hope that I am not completely invisible.