This time next year I will hopefully not only be thriving with this blogging thing but I will also be in Las Vegas with my sorority sisters celebrating our convention week. I’ve only ever been to one convention and that was in Disney World. I had a great time running around the park with new sisters that became my friends. Here’s hoping 2019 will be an awesome experience as 2013 was for me.

In preparation for next adventure I decided to take it upon myself to do one of those 52 week challenges starting at the beginning of this year. Monday, January 1st 2018 I put aside $1. The following Monday I put aside $2. This past Monday I put aside $22 in that same place I have been putting each week’s worth of money for the last 21 weeks. Though since the 20’s started I have had to go to the ATM a couple times than usual its been therapeutic really. It not only makes me feel ‘rich’ and accomplished that I have enough money to go through with this at the moment. It gives me a goal to look forward to, my trip to Las Vegas which I hope to be able to do more at than just the conference. That takes money though and I feel like I am well on my way to getting there. I hope to be able to get to 52 weeks of accumulating money without draining myself thinking about having to put some away each week, so far so good, or my bank account continuing on this minor adventure hopefully leading to bigger ones.

Reasons why I want this blog and crafting thing to go off: 1. Working for certain bosses is more work than the actual work that one is paid to do. Especially when the work you do isn’t worth the pay either. 2. I AM AN INTROVERT…if you hadn’t noticed by now.

The whole smile and be polite crap one has to do in the food service industry is just that, crap. Then today I was told I have poor work ethic second hand from the manager that does the scheduling the reason I am not being scheduled appropriately is that I don’t bus tables right or do any of the side work before I leave after my shift. First of all I do almost the entire list of side work before the restaurant is even open to the public. So I don’t know why me doing it with her not around for her to see that I have physically done this God forsaken checklist that they manufacture out of thin air just a few months ago, even though it was my daily routine to do it all in the first place for the last year and a half. Sure I don’t bus the whole table though. I was told at the very beginning that my job was the cups, utensils, trash, and some of the smaller plates. The wait staff would get their big plates if they haven’t already. Then I am to wipe the table down and move on. That and the side work which always gets done no matter when I do it is my job. Doesn’t sound like a lot but seriously this list of side work two or more people is what its worth and again I don’t get paid enough to be told when and how to do it while I’m there. Frankly after today the windows in the foyer look better than they have in forever and we apparently, at one point anyway, had a cleaning service for the store that vacuumed and washed windows before the front of house staff arrived. Seriously though if I can’t even keep this stupid job what else is there out there for me.

A shy or reticent person, introvert. I don’t like controversy but my anxiety makes it all ten times worse. I end up going off at the wrong place, wrong time, wrong person because I bottle it all up inside of me and have panic attacks in public places like my place of work. When the boss complains about my performance I just break down and cease to function like the semblance of a normal human being like I usually can do. Case and point, an introvert with high anxiety should not work in a high stress, ultimately public job, with a boss who is too preppy and has a higher self-esteem and regard for themselves more than others.

Low self-esteem, high anxiety leavel, but hey I got the new DVD player to work yesterday and I got the internet connected to the TV today so that’s two checks in the win column this week. Since I got called into work today I didn’t get any projects done or go for a walk but maybe I can walk later. Too agitated to work on a wallet or purse this evening, it would only frustrate me more.

 

It’s always my fault and responsibility when something technology goes so fucking wrong in this house that there is nothing anyone can do. I break it by touching a button and I am magically supposed to fix it by unplugging and re-plugging in everything involved and calling customer service and resetting the app for it both on mine and my mom’s phone. Even if I reset and redo and call everyone I can think of I still fail both in my head and in the eyes of my parents who complain they get emails from DirecTV saying I am screwing with it and they don’t know why and they can’t get to On Demand because the internet isn’t connecting to the DVR and it’s my fault the DVD player worked a month ago and isn’t working now so we have to go out and buy a new one. Now both work btw one on the TV with the issues and the TV in my parents room so that’s one thing down and a million more to go. I mean reasons why in my mind I can never do anything right I guess. While I am an only child who has been subsequently spoiled most of my life if you can really call everything that has happened in my life that especially since I became and adult and had to move back home after college since I had no job at the beginning and no real offers of any other choice.

So here I am trying now to do on my own as much as humanly possible now that I am either called out for doing nothing or blamed for the electric and water bills etc. I spent a grand total of one meal in this house in the last 72hours. Dad has said a few things to me since that night but nothing about it. Not sure if he forgot because of how drunk he was or if he is just pretending to tread lightly around me. I made my own damn bed every single solitary day this week! I paid my credit card bill without my dad reminding me the day before it was due and then again the day of. That’s what I call adulting people!

Thus far as for my crafts again probably tomorrow and I am thinking of doing a few red, white and blue items because of the holiday this weekend. Got some thin Duct Tape to do accent color. Maybe a flag design is in my future.

 

No I have not bounced back from all the drama in my life. Nor have I resolved my anxieties towards people and places. What I do the other night was almost leave this Hell I called home and not have a plan or anything. Just packed up things, mostly work clothes, and walk out the front door. That was the absolute last straw with dad. He doesn’t respect me enough to listen to me when I say I don’t want to do something with him solely because of his drinking problem at this point, I don’t want to be in the same galaxy as him. Yesterday I got out of the house meeting my best friend downtown for an Arts Festival and stayed down there with her for dinner and we even went and saw a play. I didn’t get home until 10pm at that point and my parents and aunt who is visiting for the weekend for the Arts Festival weren’t home because they were out at some bar for karaoke. My dad sings true, but again with the going out just to drink! It’s enough to make me not want anything to do with him ever again. He tried to justify himself by saying he strips the bed and makes it every week, blah, blah, blah…too drunk to think of anything else he does around the house. Mow the lawn came to my mind but I wasn’t going to give his drunk ass all the answers. Then he proceeds to call me out on doing nothing around the house. I was having a good day up til that point. I was ready to sit down with my water bottle and some snacks and binge watch one of my shows. I turned off the TV, walked upstairs and started to pack. It was only when the heft of my duffel bag made so much noise with my trying to get it down the stairs did my mom wake up and get me to come back and put it all away and forget him and his stupid drunken bs.

Today I thought well if he ‘pays’ for everything in this house I will use the things I know he didn’t pay for to go about my life. Let’s just say the router I used in my first college apartment doesn’t connect to the internet, not sure what’s wrong there, and I am still on the house wifi but at least I gave it the old college try. ;P My friend has graciously given me her log in for several streaming sites so that’s not on him whatsoever. Mom bought the bagel and yogurt I just had for breakfast while I have been sitting here. Oh and this laptop was a gift from ‘both of them’ for my 21st birthday so its mine by gift giving standards I guess. I doubt highly he would know how to use it if he tried. A computer programmer who has no clue how to use a PC! Sitting here I see my crafts bag to my left. I should get back to it but I probably won’t until at least Tuesday when the long weekend is over and I feel like I have more room to do things and not be smothered by criticisms of how it is a waste of time and money. Frankly after that one trip to the Dollar Tree to get the shiny tape I think I am done buying for a bit. I will use what I have and that will be that. Though I do have Michael’s coupons I just printed out and I know my best friend said we should go out and use some of the gift cards to various places I told her were burning a hole in my pocket the other day. I guess it’s not really spending my money if its a Visa gift card that one happened to find in a purse one hasn’t used in forever. That reminds me, I do need to write a check to mom for her using her credit card at a store to buy me something so she could get the rewards points but I’ll get to it eventually. The one other thing I need to do with my money is reload my Starbucks card but again another time wouldn’t hurt.

So I covered my personal family problems and my money kind of problems. I guess me being able to go with my best friend and her boyfriend, who is another story I am not keen to get into now, to different places with a lot of people that I don’t know bounced me back out of my funk I had been in for what feels like forever. It wasn’t exactly a boomerang effect but I am now ready to concentrate on things a little better today. I mean I got done with this post already and its only 10:30am.

Same shit, different day. The same conversation said with different words but the same concept and same results. Insanity: doing something over and over again expecting different results. My relationship with my parents. My mother specifically. My dad not so much because there is no changing a soon to be 64 year old child’s ways when he is set in them. In September I will be turning 30 and I guess that makes me kind of set in my ways too. An adult with seemingly no prospects, no future while I live in the only place that I have ever called home since I was too young to remember our first home. Stuck in the mud with only myself to blame though I have a tendency to blame everyone around me for all of my faults and troubles. Everything I do is my choice. I chose to leave my last job because I couldn’t handle my boss. I chose to go back to getting half that job’s pay being a Hostess with nowhere to go but down. My complaint to myself when I had a full time job was I had so much to do and no time to do it. Now I have all the time in the world on my days off from the restaurant and I get bored so easily doing one thing I go do another and another until my brain explodes with why the hell didn’t I finish that and now its time for bed. Why can’t I just read that book I really want to finish before the family vacation? Why can’t I concentrate on this show I have been meaning to catch up on for a while now and my best friend is already done with? Menial shit like that that others usually take for granted but living in my head of mild depression and deep anxiety I can’t seem to just stop and do. Mom wants me to go to the store and spend whatever is on those gift cards that have just been lying around but that involves me leaving the house, getting in my car and driving to said places by myself because she isn’t going and I can’t ever seem to get a hold of my friends ever anymore when they say they are available or even if they don’t but I don’t want to go out alone so I ask them and they don’t get back to me until midnight when there is nothing to do but stare at a screen. Ok so that was the depressing part, now here is where the Dollar Tree comes into play. You can now buy Duct Tape at the Dollar Tree or at least tat the one close to my house. As I understand it not all Dollar Tree’s have the same inventory but that’s besides the point I am making here. The quality isn’t the greatest but hey I have already made a wallet out of it. It took a bit because it is so thin its hard to line up without it getting stuck in the wrong way or one piece getting wrapped in itself. It works though so that’s all that matters. The color selection there wasn’t the widest but I got a few shiny colors that look fun together. Which reminds me I really need to take more pictures of my products even though once again I feel like this blogging things is going nowhere and my ramblings are falling on deft ears and I will never sell my products or make a profit as a blogger. Pintrest is a fun place to look at ideas and designs for things to make with Duct Tape and other things that can be found at the Dollar Tree but that’s even becoming same shit different day looking at posts and pins and dreaming about what I could do if I ever get out of this Hell I’m living. Here’s hoping one day maybe when I’m 90 I’ll have made something of myself but 30 isn’t looking so great right now.