Have you ever put yourself in a situation you are sure you will never get yourself out of? Think about it. That dead end job that you loath but you know that you are either not qualified for anything you are applying for or you don’t know if what you are qualified for is what you want to do anymore…story of my life.

Jobs applied or don’t even bother with a thanks but no thanks email anymore let give you an interview whether you are qualified or not. Maybe you are a fast learner and something you applied for has on the job training.

So what if you are only thirty and the online application page says needs 30+ years experience. Apply for it and then forget about it because at least you tried, right?

Why do we rely on others so much for validity, for everything really? Tonight I came to the realization that when something doesn’t go the way that I expected it to I have a tendency to just give up. I guess I knew already that it was just the way I am but still. What I really wanted was to go out with my friends and it didn’t happen for one reason or another and I decided that if I wasn’t having dinner with them, I wasn’t having dinner at all.

All anyone wants, even an introvert like me, is to be noticed and acknowledged for the things that we accomplish. So what if I didn’t do that one thing you expected me to do right in front of you the way you wanted me to do it the moment you expected it to be done even though I was doing a million other things at the time that you would have said something about if I hadn’t done. Doing my job and doing it your way are two different things in my book. I f you punish someone for that by giving them one shift a week that is your problem and you will lose because while I can’t find a new job at present doesn’t mean I won’t go to another location and ask if they can give me some shifts. Same name different management.

Oh well now I am going on a tangent and forgetting where I was going with this post. So I might be stuck right now but hopefully some day somehow I will get out of this mess I’m living in and win.

Subtitle of this post being:
REALLY random thoughts I had at 3am one morning when I could not sleep at all…

Every story, song, movie and TV show has its own beginning, middle and end. Some are better than others. Some things are about real life and some are so far fetched that they can’t be real. Then there is the protagonist and the antagonist. Sometimes these two are clear cut. Other times the one you think is the good or innocent one is the one that will take your heart and rip it right out of you.

A song can make or break a moment. It can bring you back in time to your first kiss or make you remember a lost love. Every lyric and line, every verse has its own meaning. To the person who put pen to paper and to the person listening to these words coming to them through their radio. Even if the singer didn’t even write the song they sing they still felt something deep inside the first time they heard it to make them think it was worth recording. A good song can some up a moment, a great song can some up a person’s life.

Heroes are not born, they are created. A person doesn’t just wake up one day and decide they will save a life and in doing so risk their own. No one is wired that way from day one. Even Superman had his days off from saving the planet from impending doom. He may have been destined to do great things but I bet he didn’t save anyone from any burning buildings at five years old. The real heroes are not always like those you see in the movies and comics. A hero can be your neighbor, your best friend or even you. You can make your own dreams come true if you believe in yourself and work for everything you want in life.

Ok so that last part was some kind of bull shit I know and its what the morals of what most fair tales are. It also can be looked at as the “American dream” and can get a person thinking…

Have you ever taken a good look at your life? I mean a real good look. You look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your home. Your family and friends. Now think about those things and write down everything that comes to mind on a piece of paper. It may not be much but its the story of your life. It’s your song.

Now look again. Look long and hard at each and everything and everyone around you that makes you, you. Tall, short. Fat, thin. Single, married. Only child, or just one of many. Notice that what was originally considered the ‘nuclear family’ is few and far between in this day and age. Families don’t always come in the neat little box one imagines for themselves anymore.

If you thought that hard enough about it all you would say to yourself is ‘My life would make for a good TV show or a really great song.’ People have been thinking these thoughts for years. Some people have taken them straight to the bank. Albeit I am not one to watch the bullshit named ‘reality’ on TV but I do love most country music which is usually written for people to relate to it.

Here’s a thought I have about TV today. Someone should seriously start a channel and call it Reality TV. Here’s the kicker…play nothing but music videos and the occasional good old family sitcoms anyone over the age of 20 grew up with knowing and loving.

This past week I took some time off of this site not only because I felt like I had nothing to say that hasn’t already been said, the job still sucks, and the personal life is still nonexistent, but also because I finally got back into my crafting.

Making a wallet for the first time in forever made me get to looking into some ideas for adding details to what I wanted to make a bag into. So I started on another bag and with only on side left to finish and the pieces needed to connect it all I ran out of two of the four colors I am using. Ugh. Here I said I was done buying tape for a while until I found another job or income of some kind so I’m not wasting money on random things that are seemingly going nowhere fast. Now I am stuck with all but about a foot of space covered on this bag and next to no prospects on the horizon.

Going to the beach this weekend with the family and my best friend and all I wanted to do was finish Carry On by Rainbow Rowell (done and loved everything about it), finish catching up on shows I should be done with at this point in their respective series (almost done only if the DVR would record things in a more suitable order), have a possibility of a job lined up for when I come back from vacation (still haven’t heard back).

If books and shows are my biggest priority in life then what in to the world is wrong with me. Can’t focus on any one of the things I need to do for more than ten minutes before I go to another thing (said before, yes I know).

So here’s hoping that all can be settles before Friday when I work in the morning and help mom and my best friend pack in the afternoon.

Most days wanting to crawl in a hole and never come out. Going to bed and praying to go to sleep fast and not wake up til I’m in a new life is my daily life. Insomnia plagues me so much that I am constantly tired during normal waking hours. Today I read an article off of Pinterest called: 15 Signs That You’re an Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety by Jenn Granneman and it spoke to me. All fifteen things ring true in daily life.

1. You’re always prepared.

Normal people do things last minute or take only one of something because they believe that their optimism is all they need to succeed. They won’t be late or lose said one thing. That is never true in my world. Always the one who packs everything two weeks in advance and with extras because you never know if something will go amiss or someone with you will forget that one thing. Always considered the reliable one among my friends who get it and the overly dramatic one in the family.

2. You may be freaking out on the inside, but you’re stoic on the outside.

I was talking to the local barista today at Starbucks about my job woes and I told her that I have serious anxiety issues and that the new manager at work not trusting me makes it worse and that it makes me not be a people person. She said that I pull it off well because she would have never known all the times we have talked when I used to come in there more often.

3. You see the world in a fundamentally different way.

The other day when I was coming home in an unfamiliar way and I made an error driving and the fact that I still have not forgiven myself and I still hear that guy’s horn in my ears is where this was struck a chord. Though it was a one time thing my heart still still hits about 100bpm when I’m in the car just driving straight down the main road I have been driving since I learned how to drive the whole way to work.

4. You constantly feel the need to be doing something.

At work I always have to be cleaning or making kids menus to keep myself in check. At home I am either organizing and reorganizing my room or watching Netflix or reading my book or playing on my phone and listening to music. All of the above tend to happen in a repetitive circle of never ending craziness. I can’t just sit still for more than two minutes doing one before I have to go do another.

5. You’re outwardly successful.

This one was a tough one for me because I have never felt successful. Sure I am uber prepared and my on time is ten minutes early to anything but that’s where I feel I am stuck. Super organized (almost to a fault) and detail-oriented but I wouldn’t say successful. Hopefully this blog will eventually but then again I am alone in front of a computer.

6. You’re afraid of disappointing others.

Always have been, probably always will be. The proverbial ‘yes-man.’ The one who can’t just tell their boss ‘no I can’t pick up that shift today, sorry.’ Didn’t need to come into work yesterday or today but did anyway because that’s my life. That and the hours I have had lately have sucked so I guess it was worth it.

7. You chatter nervously.

My friend and I NEVER SHUT UP even when we are trying to watch a movie or a show because we are all nervous chatter boxes who just feel the need to talk. At work I am constantly complaining about things to my coworkers because they understand what I have to complain about even though they have no idea why I am talking about so much and most of the time so fast.

8. You’ve built your life around avoidance.

Still living at home with the parental units, what does that tell you. I keep thing simple and familiar. I have had the same best friend for going on 20 years now. Like I said previously too, I don’t like driving places really at all but mostly places I am not sure how to get there. If I could walk everywhere that would be everything.

9. You’re prone to rumination and overthinking.

Every second of every day runs a internal discuss with myself on how I am always making mistakes in everything I do and that I will never amount to anything ever. At work I am always fearful it will be my last day because I will do something that gets me in trouble and I will never bounce back. The interview the other day went horribly in my head and I probably won’t get the job.

10. You’re a perfectionist.

Definitely not in my personal appearance (my mother hates that) but in the little things I do every day. Every day at work that I don’t get certain things done on my side work list I beat myself up more than that manager ever could.

11. You have aches, repetitive habits, or tics.

Feels like constant pains all over all the time. Actually I think the itching or slapping my thighs has become a thing if I really think about it. Also I have a tendency, not too often but still, to repeatedly tap my palms to my forehead or temples when something comes to mind that brings me back to a moment I just want to forget seemingly to push it out of my head in that moment.

12. You’re tired all the time.

Speaks for itself really. Too tired even now to think about much more to say here.

13. You startle easily.

Hear or see a police car and my blood pressure increases ten fold for no particular reason. The AC kicks on and I jump. The other day my dog just left the room and her license jingling startled me.

14. You get irritated and stressed easily.

Another no brainer. Living with a constantly tiny stress bubble in the back of your mind makes even the small stuff increase into something more. My dad always says ‘don’t sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff.’ Him nor my mom understand that the small stuff is what’s makes it all feel like big stuff.

15. You can’t “just stop it.”

Constantly telling my parents that they don’t get it doesn’t seem to work so how can them telling me to ‘just stop it’ and ‘get over it’ and ‘its small stuff, it no big deal’ help anyone?

Another symptom of diagnosed and therefore untreated depression. Constantly exhausted wanting to go back to bed but laying down and staring at the ceiling for hours when you finally do go back to bed.

Gonna keep this one short and not so sweet since it is just one of those days. Just wanted to get a blog post out there so another day doesn’t go by without one. This seems to be what is working these days. At least for now.

There are so many signs and symptoms I keep reading on depression and anxiety on Pinterest and Facebook. A lot of them are just synonyms for the same things over and over again. Tired, withdrawn, low self-esteem…blah blah blah. You don’t think that those are just a few of the things that people with anxiety worry about on top of the fact that others notice those specific symptoms.

Yes mother I know I am always doing nothing! It’s just that it takes everything out of me to go out and do thing like looking for another job for which I have to put myself out there online, and the have to drive to an interview in which I feel lucky if it is just with one person. Next I have to wait by the phone constantly until the person calls me back if they ever call me back. Just another thing for my brain to constantly tell me what I did wrong in the interview that gives them a million reasons not to call me back, or the ever popular call back (or email) of ‘thanks but no thanks.’

Yes I am still waiting to hear back from the interview yesterday since I was the first person they called in for an interview, and yes it was with two people, and they said they would get back to me within the next two weeks.

This waiting might just be the end of me.