We might be all alone but we are all together alone. The whole world is stuck in the same boat that you are. There is so much information coming out at you from all directions about what is happening around the world and in your own back yard. As a person with severe social anxiety issues and complete introvert I joke but its kinda implied that I am well prepared for something like this. Well I lost my job as most people did back in the middle of March and that was one of the few things that I chose to go out and do instead of sitting at home becoming coming completely agoraphobic. Ways I have been keeping myself busy and idea for you if you have become completely dumbfounded as to what do with yourself are: going for a walk around the neighborhood, reading a book (listening to free books on tape through a library app), binge watching shows on streaming sites/apps (which came pass the time quickly but also I have found tires me out quickly), do puzzles (I have to say I am stuck on the one my aunt gave me at Christmas right now but I am sure it will come together eventually), pick a craft any craft (my mom chose to make masks for the family and fix old jewelry, I have decided to get back into duct tape wallets and bags since it has been a while). You can always Spring clean the house. That one is an absolute given that people just say they never have time for…ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD NOW. Switch your closet out from winter stuff to Spring/Summer stuff even if like in PA and other surrounding areas it apparently snowed last night. There are also so many new things one can learn in this time. There are free courses online. There are language sites and apps that you can use to learn a new language so when we can all go out and travel again we can communicate with the world not just with our neighbors. Currently I am learning Gaelic through the Duolingo app and I think it is the coolest thing I have ever put my mind to. Three library audio books, a hardback and a paperback, binge watched three shows while keeping up with the shows that are still on regular cable, organized my closet and really my whole room in the last almost month since I stepped foot into Applebee’s where I have worked for over three years. Hopefully some day soon they will be able to open there doors again and I will be welcomed back but for now we work with what we have. Thankfully I am still at home with my parents and we are healthy. Both of them are still working during this time. Right now I am just using social media to keep in touch with the rest of my family and all of my friends. I have yet to be personally affected by this crisis at this time and I pray I never will. With the Passover and Easter holidays this week I pray for everyone that this time next year we can all celebrate together as one. As citizens not only of our countries, our faiths, but citizens of the world.

Waiting for nothing to happen.

You ever have one of those days, weeks, years where you just cry for what seems like no reason whatsoever. You just burst into tears just thinking about life. I really hate when I know I am mad at myself and my coworker pushes the subject as to why I look upset AND THEN I start crying because now I have to put my thoughts to words. These excruciatingly horrible thoughts that no one should ever have to think about themselves. As I am placing all my cards on the table she starts telling me how her life is so much worse. THIS IS NOT A GAME! You asked me what was wrong with me and I begrudgingly told you and I am sorry I told you simply because you wanted someone to feel sorry for YOU. Yes when I can get someone’s ear I generally am happy about it because most of the time I feel like Mia at the beginning of Princess Diaries: Invisible.

This week at work has been slow to say the very least. I have worked barely 3 hours yesterday and today each because there is absolutely no need for the one person in the front of house that technically makes slightly more than everyone I work with on a daily basis to be there if there aren’t any customers to greet or seat. Yesterday was fine because I got to clean and organized things the way I like them after a weekend I had off that inevitably made it look like no one works there. Today I was trying to talk to my coworkers at times and I wasn’t getting a word in edge wise or when I was it was going in one ear and out the other. Invisible.

I know trying to talk to someone from afar is hard but when you are right across from the person it can be hard too. I would like to ask a question or make my point as well. If that is too hard to comprehend is when I shut down and I look miserable. Hence what started the conversation/pity party competition with my other coworker.

It also occurred to me that when talking to my one worker yesterday morning she asked how a recent interview went, and I said it sucked. She in return asked if I am not good at interviewing, my obvious response being yes. This made me think about how I go into interviews in general knowing beforehand that they will not get me anywhere but also how I leave them knowing that how things work these days people who already have the job they want, to interview people like me, are to busy in that job to not even bother with a Thanks but No Thanks email or call. I would appreciate one occasionally, you know. I think we all would. I set aside my time to come to you and interview for a job I was sure I wasn’t qualified for but tried to show you I was willing to learn more about. The least anyone can do I have a quick response button with a ‘Thanks for you time but we went with another candidate.’

I don’t want anyone’s sob story almost more than I don’t want to look someone in the eye and give them mine. Ok so I wasn’t the right fit for your retail store position. So what your boyfriend is acting odd as of late. At least you have a job that makes you feel important enough to get out of bed in the morning. At least you have a person in your life you can call your someone.

Here I am thirty years old living in my childhood bedroom wondering what I want to be when I grow up.

This past week my parents and I said goodbye to a man we have known my entire life. He worked at a bar and restaurant that we frequently spent time in. He was only two years older than my mom and three years younger than my dad. He apparently had a massive heart attack one night while on vacation with his wife and didn’t wake up. He had just gone to see an NFL football game two days before.

No one knows when we will be taken from this world. There is no one that is alive today that can definitively tell us what happens when you die and what’s next. In the immortal words of the writer of RENT who himself died tragically young there is ‘No Day But Today.’

Most days I feel like there is no time to do the things that I want to do but then again most days I have all the time in the world because I don’t get as many hours at work as I used to when we were under previous management. Also when I am at work I don’t have the motivation to get done all the things I used to while I am there. The new management frankly hates me and makes me hate myself more for being there in the most lowly position the restaurant industry offers.

Taking all my crap out on my friends that I do have isn’t helping me either. Feeling like a complete jerk all the time to the only people around me that seem to give a crap about me is making me feel worse about myself. If there was a way that I could just keep being patient with them and try not to lose it every time I open my mouth that would be great but so far I just speak/type before I really think and I ruin everything I do have going for me. I guess I just need to shut up and wait for things to happen instead of expecting the worst and then going for about it on people I love.

So I guess its not really a loss for words in general more than a loss for words that actually mean something to not just me but everyone around me.

Where do you attain happiness in your life? Serious question because I am looking really hard these days and not finding one single solitary thing that makes me unconditionally happy about life anymore. Do you find total bliss with a loved one and if so how did you meet them and how do they make you and keep you happy? How about an activity that you just can’t get enough of that you have to go back for more?

These days I can’t seem to keep focus enough on anything to truly determine if something, anything, could be that one thing that grabs hold of me and doesn’t want to ever let go no matter what. Sure Pokemon Go is fun to a point but where I live you have to find places to be able to play and people to play with. Seriously there is one Stop within walking distance and all the others I would have to drive to get to which as I have said before numerous times and here it is again, I HATE DRIVING. ow in the last week I have started playing the Jurassic World equivalent of PoGo and again I am into it but most of the time I just go in to hit the one Stop in proximity to my house and there are rarely dinosaurs around. I used to love playing The Sims every free second of every day and now the game and my computer are old and don’t work very well so its hard to play without it crashing at some point which negates all the progress I make and then there just went a whole (insert period of time) wasted that I will have to make up for the next time I am willing and able to play.

You are probably sitting here reading this, those faithful few of you, and thinking this girl sure plays a lot of games. Well what else am I supposed to do when I have a job that I only see a day or two a week? I do read a good bit when I can keep my attention on that but there it is again, my mind just won’t sit still and be present. In fact I just finished the book I have been reading since the end of June just last week. Such a wonderful ending to a wonderful book and if you don’t know which one I am talking about I invite you to go back on my site and read my other posts. The day after I finished that one I started reading one mom picked up for free from the church, Resisting Happiness. So far it is basically saying, and frankly it sounds like my mother is too, that I need God in my life to be happy. Truthfully I have become a ‘Holidayer’ since college. I went the occasional Sunday while I was at school but most weekends I just slept in and by my last year I found a group of friends that did Sunday brunch at each other’s apartments. Now that I am home and can go I rarely choose to though. Will it make me happy to go back to the church? I have no idea and frankly my anxiety about life in general really makes it hard to choose.

The other thing that seems to be working for me, for the most part I guess, are my Duct Tape crafts. I finally finished the one bag I have been working on since June today and that made me happy even though it took numerous tries to get certain things just the way I want which was frustrating but now I feel its all done the way I like it so that’s one less thing to worry about. I haven’t made a wallet in a while but that’s ore do to the fact that I have a bunch and am afraid of selling online and haven’t been able to convince anyone I have met personally to show interest in buying. They are now just in a pile and within the bags I have made here beside me not doing any good for anyone. Reasons why I think mom thinks this is a waste of my time and money. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am just fooling myself thinking that I can make something from all this. It just pains me to think about her being right about something like this. Something that made me fell fulfilled at one point is now just a pointless hobby that wasting time and money and is just a distraction from finding a new job which I will apply for and never hear back from.

Reasons why I can’t find happiness or even know what it looks like these days I guess. Boredom comes too easily that I can’t concentrate on the one thing I was doing. I have next to no people at all that seem to keep my spirits lifted, but instead the ones that are here drag them down even further though I am constantly saying that I have a problem with anxiety and things that ‘normal people’ find to be ‘normal things.’ Dad always says ‘don’t sweat the small shit, and it’s all small shit’ and to that I say the littlest things scare the shit out of me so spend a day in my shoes why don’t you and stop criticizing me and calling me out as a weakling. You don’t think I already know that? No mom I am not getting those few things done because it scares me to even think about let alone call and drive to.

Someone please besides my mother tell me what to do because in this I am so lost I don’t even know where the starting point is.

Five weeks from today I will be turning thirty years old. No I am not interested in a party because who will I invite but my three best friends, one of whom has a weekend job and I don’t know if she would even be able to attend, and the other two which we can never pin down a place and time for anything so why try (plus I already invited them to the family gathering once again this year and that to my shock and awe *sarcasm oozing* they weren’t able to come. This is why I get upset and sound like a sarcastic jerk every single time I talk to them or frankly anyone anymore. My social circle has become my parents and that has never been healthy for anyone ever.

Most people I guess these days with prices what they are for almost anything you can think of are not thriving but surviving. That’s been my life now for a while but it seems to have become so much worse recently. The job I am currently in has me there but one day a week and frankly one day does not a job make. Not sure what I did to offend the scheduling manager but yeah that’s a thing I guess.

Most of my generation it seems went to school relatively close to home if at all and then came right home or stayed in their childhood rooms’ the entire time since college. I know the almost five years I went away to school were so much better for me than the situation I have put myself in since I graduated. Those of you that got your ‘dream job’ right out of college can go suck a lemon for all I care. Good for you!

It makes me think of my new favorite TV show The Bold Type and how they are 25 and have nice jobs at a fashion magazine being writers and social media coordinators. This and Younger are my two favorite shows on TV currently. They are vastly different in that one is twenty somethings just starting out and a now 42 year old woman who is just coming back into the work force after she raised her daughter. Here I am right in the middle of those two age brackets but nowhere near those worlds professionally like I though I would be at this point in my life. At least maybe a job where I was established for more than a year and a half and had the potential of going places but such is life.

Exhausted from living, or surviving as it were. That’s where it’s at right now. Not sure where to go from here. Not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Sitting at this same desk I have been sitting at for God only knows how long thinking ‘what if?’. Wondering how to peal myself up for this chair that is making my back hurt. Thinking why didn’t I even bother turning on the light, though the answer to that is simple, I don’t feel I deserve it. Looking at the blinking phone next to me telling me I have unread messages from my friends that frankly I don’t know if I want to answer let alone look at because it’s just one or the other saying we have options and time to plan something for my birthday though I don’t feel that’s the case. Five weeks from today I will be thirty and all I want to do is forget I even exist.