Minimalism and my anxieties

Recently I discovered my latest passion. Over the years I have had plenty that I thought would go somewhere but never really took me anywhere. They sparked joy in me for a short time and then they fizzled out. As I sit here at my desk three of those things come to mind off hand because they are write in front of me. Just seeing them makes me sad but this is where my computer lives in my house, my parents house (get to that part of my anxieties/depression later), and I am not sure if it would be suited anywhere else in the house or in general.

Earlier this year I was just scrolling through Netflix once again on lock down. This time it had actually only been for two weeks like the first one was supposed to be and ended up being three and a half months. Everyone in the world should know what I am talking about at this point unless you have been living under a rock for over a year now. Well I wasn’t in the mood to start a new binge so I went to documentaries. A huge THANK YOU goes out to The Minimalists for their documentary Less Is Now. I have not watched it twice since it came out and I have been devouring their podcast for the last two weeks. If anything this podcast has taught me to concentrate on the here and now more than I have my entire adult life. While listening to each podcast I am usually either driving to or from work or sitting in my room. Today while listening to the episode entitled Mentalclutter, I know right, I was sitting my room pulling out containers from spots all over my room going through them and organizing them. Do I really need all these lip glosses? I haven’t warn lip gloss in I have no idea when, so no. I have so many stickers in my top drawer of my nightstand that I have no idea what to do with knowing at one point I had them there right next to me ‘just in case’. Looking around me now at this desk there are dozens of pens and pencils that I have no idea if they function so that might be a task I can put upon myself while I am listening to the podcast as well.

My mom and I watch a lot of HGTV and so I have been fascinated with other people’s living situations for a very long time. Tiny homes have been on my mind for a while. The Sims game has been one of my passions on and off for 20 years. I took a drafting and design class in high school and it just fueled my passion for home design and decor further. The Sims games came out with a tiny homes expansion and that peaked my interest for a fleeting moment as well. Once again I mention that my attention span is almost at a zero except when it comes to listening to books or podcasts. Even reading unfortunately leads me to pick up my phone and scroll Facebook or play a game until I run out of lives/energy in said game. This is where my anxiety kicks in most though. I am not sure what to do with myself because I have so much to do and don’t know where to begin.

I know I can be a horrible person to be around. I don’t even like myself most days. I come across as lazy to some people and I yet I am just trying to do too much all at once barely getting anything I want to done at all. I know my some of my coworkers think poorly of me because I can’t get all the menus cleaned before they get there. I’m sorry that no one during the lunch hours want to use the QR code. On Friday 130 guests came through before my replacements got there. That’s an average of 35 tables in just over 4 hours between when people started coming in and I left. I’m sorry I wasn’t just chilling up at the host stand wiping menus that whole time instead of you know busing tables. And yes by the way I did clean both bathrooms so that was another 15min I was not up at the host stand wiping the fucking menus.

Two weeks ago, so starting yesterday, I took my Saturdays away from my work availability. This was to alleviate the anxieties I felt working most Saturdays and I used to feel on Sundays with the amount of traffic that came through the restaurant on those days. My anxieties became too much for me to handle that I had other coworkers yelling at for doing everything within the scope of my job that wasn’t what they thought I should be doing. People half my age and twice my age telling me I am not doing my job the way they think I should be doing it only because I have been doing it my way for four years and three months up to this point and they have been doing their position for three months and 14 years respectively. I am the only ‘expert’ qualified trainer in my position but my brain cannot do what it needs to to teach others when I have a million people around me yelling about when they will be sat (both guests and servers alike).

Truthfully I hope that eventually I will be able to figure out a way to wrap my brain around minimizing the things in my life so I can learn to prioritize me and the people around me. For now I take my anxiety and depressive state once moment at a time, one task at a time.

“Love people and use things because the opposite never works.” – Joshua Fields Millburn