In Pursuit of Happiness

Where do you attain happiness in your life? Serious question because I am looking really hard these days and not finding one single solitary thing that makes me unconditionally happy about life anymore. Do you find total bliss with a loved one and if so how did you meet them and how do they make you and keep you happy? How about an activity that you just can’t get enough of that you have to go back for more?

These days I can’t seem to keep focus enough on anything to truly determine if something, anything, could be that one thing that grabs hold of me and doesn’t want to ever let go no matter what. Sure Pokemon Go is fun to a point but where I live you have to find places to be able to play and people to play with. Seriously there is one Stop within walking distance and all the others I would have to drive to get to which as I have said before numerous times and here it is again, I HATE DRIVING. ow in the last week I have started playing the Jurassic World equivalent of PoGo and again I am into it but most of the time I just go in to hit the one Stop in proximity to my house and there are rarely dinosaurs around. I used to love playing The Sims every free second of every day and now the game and my computer are old and don’t work very well so its hard to play without it crashing at some point which negates all the progress I make and then there just went a whole (insert period of time) wasted that I will have to make up for the next time I am willing and able to play.

You are probably sitting here reading this, those faithful few of you, and thinking this girl sure plays a lot of games. Well what else am I supposed to do when I have a job that I only see a day or two a week? I do read a good bit when I can keep my attention on that but there it is again, my mind just won’t sit still and be present. In fact I just finished the book I have been reading since the end of June just last week. Such a wonderful ending to a wonderful book and if you don’t know which one I am talking about I invite you to go back on my site and read my other posts. The day after I finished that one I started reading one mom picked up for free from the church, Resisting Happiness. So far it is basically saying, and frankly it sounds like my mother is too, that I need God in my life to be happy. Truthfully I have become a ‘Holidayer’ since college. I went the occasional Sunday while I was at school but most weekends I just slept in and by my last year I found a group of friends that did Sunday brunch at each other’s apartments. Now that I am home and can go I rarely choose to though. Will it make me happy to go back to the church? I have no idea and frankly my anxiety about life in general really makes it hard to choose.

The other thing that seems to be working for me, for the most part I guess, are my Duct Tape crafts. I finally finished the one bag I have been working on since June today and that made me happy even though it took numerous tries to get certain things just the way I want which was frustrating but now I feel its all done the way I like it so that’s one less thing to worry about. I haven’t made a wallet in a while but that’s ore do to the fact that I have a bunch and am afraid of selling online and haven’t been able to convince anyone I have met personally to show interest in buying. They are now just in a pile and within the bags I have made here beside me not doing any good for anyone. Reasons why I think mom thinks this is a waste of my time and money. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am just fooling myself thinking that I can make something from all this. It just pains me to think about her being right about something like this. Something that made me fell fulfilled at one point is now just a pointless hobby that wasting time and money and is just a distraction from finding a new job which I will apply for and never hear back from.

Reasons why I can’t find happiness or even know what it looks like these days I guess. Boredom comes too easily that I can’t concentrate on the one thing I was doing. I have next to no people at all that seem to keep my spirits lifted, but instead the ones that are here drag them down even further though I am constantly saying that I have a problem with anxiety and things that ‘normal people’ find to be ‘normal things.’ Dad always says ‘don’t sweat the small shit, and it’s all small shit’ and to that I say the littlest things scare the shit out of me so spend a day in my shoes why don’t you and stop criticizing me and calling me out as a weakling. You don’t think I already know that? No mom I am not getting those few things done because it scares me to even think about let alone call and drive to.

Someone please besides my mother tell me what to do because in this I am so lost I don’t even know where the starting point is.