Not Really Living

Five weeks from today I will be turning thirty years old. No I am not interested in a party because who will I invite but my three best friends, one of whom has a weekend job and I don’t know if she would even be able to attend, and the other two which we can never pin down a place and time for anything so why try (plus I already invited them to the family gathering once again this year and that to my shock and awe *sarcasm oozing* they weren’t able to come. This is why I get upset and sound like a sarcastic jerk every single time I talk to them or frankly anyone anymore. My social circle has become my parents and that has never been healthy for anyone ever.

Most people I guess these days with prices what they are for almost anything you can think of are not thriving but surviving. That’s been my life now for a while but it seems to have become so much worse recently. The job I am currently in has me there but one day a week and frankly one day does not a job make. Not sure what I did to offend the scheduling manager but yeah that’s a thing I guess.

Most of my generation it seems went to school relatively close to home if at all and then came right home or stayed in their childhood rooms’ the entire time since college. I know the almost five years I went away to school were so much better for me than the situation I have put myself in since I graduated. Those of you that got your ‘dream job’ right out of college can go suck a lemon for all I care. Good for you!

It makes me think of my new favorite TV show The Bold Type and how they are 25 and have nice jobs at a fashion magazine being writers and social media coordinators. This and Younger are my two favorite shows on TV currently. They are vastly different in that one is twenty somethings just starting out and a now 42 year old woman who is just coming back into the work force after she raised her daughter. Here I am right in the middle of those two age brackets but nowhere near those worlds professionally like I though I would be at this point in my life. At least maybe a job where I was established for more than a year and a half and had the potential of going places but such is life.

Exhausted from living, or surviving as it were. That’s where it’s at right now. Not sure where to go from here. Not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Sitting at this same desk I have been sitting at for God only knows how long thinking ‘what if?’. Wondering how to peal myself up for this chair that is making my back hurt. Thinking why didn’t I even bother turning on the light, though the answer to that is simple, I don’t feel I deserve it. Looking at the blinking phone next to me telling me I have unread messages from my friends that frankly I don’t know if I want to answer let alone look at because it’s just one or the other saying we have options and time to plan something for my birthday though I don’t feel that’s the case. Five weeks from today I will be thirty and all I want to do is forget I even exist.