Living With High Functioning Anxiety

Most days wanting to crawl in a hole and never come out. Going to bed and praying to go to sleep fast and not wake up til I’m in a new life is my daily life. Insomnia plagues me so much that I am constantly tired during normal waking hours. Today I read an article off of Pinterest called: 15 Signs That You’re an Introvert With High-Functioning Anxiety by Jenn Granneman and it spoke to me. All fifteen things ring true in daily life.

1. You’re always prepared.

Normal people do things last minute or take only one of something because they believe that their optimism is all they need to succeed. They won’t be late or lose said one thing. That is never true in my world. Always the one who packs everything two weeks in advance and with extras because you never know if something will go amiss or someone with you will forget that one thing. Always considered the reliable one among my friends who get it and the overly dramatic one in the family.

2. You may be freaking out on the inside, but you’re stoic on the outside.

I was talking to the local barista today at Starbucks about my job woes and I told her that I have serious anxiety issues and that the new manager at work not trusting me makes it worse and that it makes me not be a people person. She said that I pull it off well because she would have never known all the times we have talked when I used to come in there more often.

3. You see the world in a fundamentally different way.

The other day when I was coming home in an unfamiliar way and I made an error driving and the fact that I still have not forgiven myself and I still hear that guy’s horn in my ears is where this was struck a chord. Though it was a one time thing my heart still still hits about 100bpm when I’m in the car just driving straight down the main road I have been driving since I learned how to drive the whole way to work.

4. You constantly feel the need to be doing something.

At work I always have to be cleaning or making kids menus to keep myself in check. At home I am either organizing and reorganizing my room or watching Netflix or reading my book or playing on my phone and listening to music. All of the above tend to happen in a repetitive circle of never ending craziness. I can’t just sit still for more than two minutes doing one before I have to go do another.

5. You’re outwardly successful.

This one was a tough one for me because I have never felt successful. Sure I am uber prepared and my on time is ten minutes early to anything but that’s where I feel I am stuck. Super organized (almost to a fault) and detail-oriented but I wouldn’t say successful. Hopefully this blog will eventually but then again I am alone in front of a computer.

6. You’re afraid of disappointing others.

Always have been, probably always will be. The proverbial ‘yes-man.’ The one who can’t just tell their boss ‘no I can’t pick up that shift today, sorry.’ Didn’t need to come into work yesterday or today but did anyway because that’s my life. That and the hours I have had lately have sucked so I guess it was worth it.

7. You chatter nervously.

My friend and I NEVER SHUT UP even when we are trying to watch a movie or a show because we are all nervous chatter boxes who just feel the need to talk. At work I am constantly complaining about things to my coworkers because they understand what I have to complain about even though they have no idea why I am talking about so much and most of the time so fast.

8. You’ve built your life around avoidance.

Still living at home with the parental units, what does that tell you. I keep thing simple and familiar. I have had the same best friend for going on 20 years now. Like I said previously too, I don’t like driving places really at all but mostly places I am not sure how to get there. If I could walk everywhere that would be everything.

9. You’re prone to rumination and overthinking.

Every second of every day runs a internal discuss with myself on how I am always making mistakes in everything I do and that I will never amount to anything ever. At work I am always fearful it will be my last day because I will do something that gets me in trouble and I will never bounce back. The interview the other day went horribly in my head and I probably won’t get the job.

10. You’re a perfectionist.

Definitely not in my personal appearance (my mother hates that) but in the little things I do every day. Every day at work that I don’t get certain things done on my side work list I beat myself up more than that manager ever could.

11. You have aches, repetitive habits, or tics.

Feels like constant pains all over all the time. Actually I think the itching or slapping my thighs has become a thing if I really think about it. Also I have a tendency, not too often but still, to repeatedly tap my palms to my forehead or temples when something comes to mind that brings me back to a moment I just want to forget seemingly to push it out of my head in that moment.

12. You’re tired all the time.

Speaks for itself really. Too tired even now to think about much more to say here.

13. You startle easily.

Hear or see a police car and my blood pressure increases ten fold for no particular reason. The AC kicks on and I jump. The other day my dog just left the room and her license jingling startled me.

14. You get irritated and stressed easily.

Another no brainer. Living with a constantly tiny stress bubble in the back of your mind makes even the small stuff increase into something more. My dad always says ‘don’t sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff.’ Him nor my mom understand that the small stuff is what’s makes it all feel like big stuff.

15. You can’t “just stop it.”

Constantly telling my parents that they don’t get it doesn’t seem to work so how can them telling me to ‘just stop it’ and ‘get over it’ and ‘its small stuff, it no big deal’ help anyone?